Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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