woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
