America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
