Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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