i think my mom watched the whole time
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My penis needs a shock collar
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
