I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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