Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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