So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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