I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
