It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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