I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
