Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
As shirtless as possible
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
