Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
