Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Randomize
