He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
