I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
