3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
