i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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