I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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