so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize