better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
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I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
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It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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