I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
