you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
