There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
