Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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