I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
