Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
