never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You were trust falling into bushes
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