ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
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After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
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As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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