I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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