Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Randomize
