i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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