i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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