I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
