I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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