if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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