I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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