I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
