I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
