Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
