She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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