Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
