If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
