i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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