do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
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