Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
