oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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