i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Randomize
