She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
