i already hear my dad disowning me
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
