I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
