you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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