I hope my margaritas pass through security.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
