she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
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I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
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This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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